Ununlucky in Life, love, and suicide
by vocaloidofos
Summary: The only thing Mikuo expected to get out of his suicide attempt was a broken bicycle. Now he has Akaito. Oh, and The Haganes, but you haven't heard of an obscure travelling band like them. yaoi shounen-ai Diary format. all genres
1. An Attempt :to escape this world:

Dear Diary:

Hello, little green notebook with leaf patterns on the cover. I found you under my bed, and I think I got you for my birthday a few years ago.

I can take up as much space as I want, skipping lines, and it feels rather nice.

You don't know why, but I hope by writing these words on your pages you can understand me.

I'm not going to be around much longer.

I picked you up because I was looking for that fountain pen with the calligraphy tip, and I needed it to write my 'last will and testament'.

I can't write it in here, obviously. Actually, I have no idea how to make it legally sound. Actually, I don't care very much what happens to all the clutter in my room.

As a matter of fact, I don't care at all. There. That could easily sum up the rest of what I could ever write.

I don't care about anything and I want to leave. Ah, that looks really bitter on this pale green page.

Well, if I seem a little bitter, well that's because I _am_. Inside, I guess.

I'm in my second-last year of high school. All the possibilities in the world are laid out before me.

Each and every one is about as appealing as month-old leftovers you find in the corner of the freezer where someone hid them by mistake.

(Diary, that happened. It was not appetizing.)

I don't want to study history. It only shows all of the mistakes humanity keeps making over and over.

Math is only good for making things which in turn will aid this slow funeral march of history.

Same situation with science.

Art is useless.

Music- it is even more so. No one cares about how you feel, so you should just shut up.  
Feelings, feelings... when people ask how you are, they don't even expect an answer.

(Diary, I'm not as angsty as this suggests. Really!)

It's not a bad succession, my train of thoughts- I find fault in something, then I find fault in it's better points.

Then I start to write a will, and then I even stop caring about what will happen concerning my suicide.

I really hope no one gets too upset about this.

Oh, hello future police or parents or whoever reads this. I'm really quite happy to be leaving, so don't bother with wearing black or giving flowers.

I'm never coming back to tell you how I am, or haunt anyone.

I'm getting away from this world, in search of a place with something I can rely on.

A world frozen in time would be ideal, but anywhere is better than here.

OK, maybe I better identify myself in case this is found by some total stranger.

My name is Mikuo. I'm average looking, but some people think it's odd I have greenish-bluish hair.

I have a few casual friends, and I dated this girl Neru once. It wasn't very fun, but I assumed dating was something to do before I left.

I'm really a normal kind of person.

I don't act depressed or anything; I try to be nice to everyone.

I'm not depressed. Life is nice, I guess. Not really a big deal, I think.

I just don't want to live anymore, because life is never going to be worth the effort.

Or maybe it never was. I'll just make up my mind: life is OK, I guess.

I think that's about it. I live in a town near the ocean, and there's this huge cliff overlooking it about a half-hour away.

The only problem is that there are many roads on and around it, but I'm going to ride my bike so I don't think there'll be a problem.

The only thing I feel a little nervous about is that I'm not sure how to say good-bye.

It's not cheating just to write it down, is it?

Do I need an official suicide note? I don't want people to think it was an accident.

I'll just leave this notebook on my bed. Yeah.

Um, I'm not sure how to end this, and I'm sorry Diary, for not using you before this.

I always felt bad when I found a piece of paper with only a few words.

Good-bye everyone, maybe I'll see you again someday.

-Mikuo Hatsune


	2. Broken Bicycle :on land rather than sea:

Dear Diary:

I'm back, and it looks like no one touched you since I set you down for what I thought was the last time.

Oh, before you get confused, I'm still alive. (Do diaries have to have everything spelled out to them? Too bad you can't answer me.)

After school yesterday, I left all my stuff in my locker and I rode my bicycle to my destination.

I was pedaling full-force from the highest road on the cliff. I was pretty tired from the long journey to the spot, and it was really sunny out.

It's sort of...funny? ironic? (was that the right word, Diary?) that it ws such a beautiful day. There was not a single hint of a cloud, just brilliant blue all above me.

It made everything look washed out in comparison, especially up on the cliff.

It's nearing the end of the school year, so everyone was relaxed and cheerful all day. I almost forgot my plans, to tell the truth. I nearly agreed to stay after tomorrow and help Neru clean out her locker.

Oh, sorry, back to why I'm writing this. I guess I misjudged the gap in the railing, and I just flipped over it and tumbled down to the road just under it. For a moment I thought I would make it over the water anyways.

At first all I saw was the sky. I thought it was the ocean for a second, but then I heard someone swearing at me. Not to mention I wasn't underwater.

I had crashed onto the hood of an ordinary-looking grey car, and both my bike and the car's hood were pretty badly wrecked.

The only person in the car was this red-haired man who looked like he was somewhere in his twenties. His hair was more than red, however. It was choppy and _really_ red.

It was a blinding crimson, if you'll excuse my lame description. His eyes were a darker shade, and he was pretty mad at first.

Then, he asked me what happened. I'll try to recount our conversation. I probably messed some lines up, but you don't mind, right?

"What the hell happened?"

He swung the door open at lightning speed. When he was standing over me, I didn't yet realize he was about my height. It was pretty intimidating.

"I was trying to kill myself, but I missed the gap. Sorry."

I wasn't hurt, amazingly. Not even a scrape from the collision. I can't say the same for my poor bike. I've had it for years.

"Oh. Uh, do you want your bike back?"

He immediately softened, and dragged the twisted bike down. He started to reach for my hand to help me off as well, but I'm not sure why I turned away.

"You can have it, I don't have the time to get it fixed."

I climbed off of his car and started to feel pretty embarrassed for myself. How can you mess up killing yourself? I've never been accident-prone, so maybe I'm on the other side of the scale.  
"Are you just gonna jump?"

He smiled at me. I wasn't sure if he was joking or not. I've never been good at judging sarcasm.

"Huh?"

(Wow, Diary, you're getting more pages filled! Can notebooks appreciate this?)

"Are you gonna jump over from this road? We're right at the edge."

He gestured towards the guard rail. I saw the vast sea nearly blending into the horizon. It looked unreachable, like a photograph.

"I'm sorry about the dents and scratches..."

Agh, that was a stupid thing to say. I must have seemed like a push-over _kid_ who tried to kill himself because he was too sensitive or something.

"I don't like this car much anyways...Do you want to drive it over the cliff instead of that bike?"

He sounded dead serious. When he looked me straight in the eyes, I just acted more childish.

"... Um, are you trying to make fun of me?"

ARGH.

"Here, get in the car before some cop wonders why I stopped for so long, or I get run into a second time today."

The passenger seat had a bunch of CD cases on it, so I carefully put them in the glove compartment. Shockingly, it actually had a pair of gloves in it. (This is a first!)

"Thanks. What's your name?"

It was a nice seat, and I reclined a bit.

"Akaito. Are you worried about taking rides from strangers?"

Thinking back, I didn't even think to hope he was a serial killer or anything. It would have saved me the trip back here, and I wouldn't have to say good-bye to you again, Diary.

"I'm Mikuo. No, I'm not worried about anything."

It was a pretty sight, seeing the scenery fly past. The sun was blinding.

"Why were you trying to off yourself?"

Then I told him why. He didn't try to convince me that life was going to get better, or tell my parents.

I wish I had asked more about him. It's not fun when only one person is doing most of the talking.

He suggested I use a car if I attempted another suicide, because it's harder to mess up crashing them.

He dropped me back at my house without saying good-bye.

It sounds really stupid in my head, so I know it'll look worse on paper, but-

I wish I knew where he was going.

I guess a more important question is-

What will he do with my bicycle? He'll probably get blamed for my death or something.

It doesn't matter. I don't want to take my parents car, because it's actually pretty new, so I'm going to ask if I can borrow one of Luki's bikes.

He has some old ones with faulty brakes, so I can use those.

Good-bye again, Diary. I'm just going to take a less dramatic way and go against traffic.


	3. Coincidental Crash :they meet again:

Dear Diary:

I have to write this down _right now_, before I forget, so yeah, I'm still alive. Hello.

I can't believe I failed_ again_. It's actually kind of strange, even for me.

Failure at failing? I mentioned the opposite-of-accident-prone thing to Akaito, so maybe people will make up a word for it.

Akaito. Yes, I met him again. I actually crashed another bike into his car, if you'll believe it, Diary.

It was a Saturday (should I be writing down the date?), and traffic was okay. I borrowed one of Luki's bikes, said good-bye loudly enough for some other people to hear, and went downtown.

He didn't question what happened to my own bike, but that's probably for the better.

I spotted this really big truck that had just run a red light, so I swerved headlong into it.

I guess the sun was too bright again today, because it drove past me and I drove straight into a familiar grey car. Glass shattered after he flung open the door just in time to make what was probably a very close exit.

Akaito didn't seem too surprised, but what startled me is that he actually looked_ happy_. Until he noticed I was bleeding because of his broken windshield.

Now is where I'll add that my town must have pretty lousy law enforcement, because no one did anything about the truck _or_ my crash. No other drivers bothered to help, either.

I didn't notice the cuts I had until Akaito led me to the sidewalk. Instead of doing the responsible thing and taking me to a professional, he told me to park his car while he got a first aid kit or something.

After he left, I looked down and saw I was leaving a slight trail of blood where I walked.

Naturally, I panicked. I forgot most of my knowledge of driving and almost knocked over a parking meter. It had sixteen minutes left, so I just reclined the seat all the way back so I could panic laying down.

Luki's bike was still lying in the road, I guess. Just as I realized it didn't matter if I died from blood loss because I was trying to do that anyways, Akaito came back.

It was not as awkward as I expected, having this guy I had only met once before put band-aids on most of my face and arms. On the other hand, the silence was really noticable at first.

OK, this is a diary, even if everyone is going to read it when I actually succeed at my suicide. I can write embarrassing things. (Hello parents and investigators.)

He was very gentle, and didn't use any of that stinging anti-septic spray I always hated. (one of my worst childhood memories- scraped knees and elbows plus my overprotective mother [Sorry])

I've never really been so close to someone who wasn't a relative or forced to sit next to me in a crowded car.

I could see his eyelashes, and how they were more of a grey-fading-white instead of black like most people think eyelashes are.

It was even _comforting_ when he was almost-holding-me as he raised the seat up to driving-position. Even though our faces were really close. (Diary, do I sound like a total freak?)

Agh, it must have looked _really_ bad when passerbyers saw this older-looking guy almost on top of a younger-looking guy, while I was probably whimpering from pain or something.

What if someone tells my parents?!?

On a more (or less?!) important note, they're going to see I'm covered in bandages sooner or later. I can't sneak around my own house forever. (what will I tell them?)

Back to the story, Diary. I crawled over to the passenger seat and told him I was sorry.

Oh, I'll try to remember what was said.

"I'm sorry about the windshield and crashing into you again- I could have killed you instead of me."

I had nearly totaled his method of transportation twice in two days.

"Why do you care if I die?"

It was direct to the point, so I _typically_ said something_ stupid_.

"Because I like you. A-and, it's not fair if you don't want to die and I ruin your life or something."

Diary, I am really really stupid sometimes.

"How do you know I would mind?"

I just assumed. Most people don't want to be the victim of a tragic bicycle crash twice in row.

"I- I don't know."

I am not good at dying, but excellent at messing up a conversation further and further.

"You _don't_ know much about me."

True. He wears a scarf and is very nice. And has an increasingly broken car.

"Can you tell me?"

And he did. Well, loosely. He had an apartment near our second accident site. He worked the night shift as a clerk at a hotel, and it was not an exciting or entertaining profession.

He usually just wasted time during the day, driving around- so fatigue was ever present. He looked over at me from time to time, and I quickly turned to stare out the glassless shell of a windshield.

It was about then I attempted to secure a legacy for myself by revealing my theory- I was the opposite of accident prone. He disagreed.

"Instead of making up a word for that, we have to figure out how you can be so unlucky at trying to challenge luck and get into a fatal accident."

I just sort of nodded and pretended I knew what he meant.

He continued: "I'm glad we met up again today. Uh, how old are you, Mikuo?"

"I just turned seventeen."

I briefly wondered why he cared.

"I'm twenty-six."

Wait a second Diary, I should probably do the math to find out if knowing him is creepy or something.

Um, I think the equation was twice your age minus seven or something. Or was it half? (I'm going to check Wikipedia.)

OK, half the older person's age plus seven. (I hope this applies to friendship, not just marriage or something)

26/2=13

13+7= 20

Uh, I should try my formula. Younger person should not know older person older than the answer I get.

16*2=32

32-7=25

Agh.

Well, I'm pretty sure Akaito isn't planning to murder me or anything. Although it would save me figuring out another way to try ending my life.

Back to why I started this math section (shudder) in the first place.

So then I asked about his legal responsibility, in Mikuo terms.

"Are you going to be blamed when I do manage to die?"

He has my old bicycle, and my blood in his car. And sort of on his hands too, but he'll obviously wash them before the cops come. I hope.

"Probably."

He just smiled as if we weren't talking about the consequences of suicide.

"I'm sorry in advance."

Why do I say things like that?!! I'm usually not this wimpy, Diary.

"Do you want to go somewhere with me? I need to leave the car at the mechanics first,-"

I interrupted.

"OK. Are they going to ask about the windshield?"

Yeah, this kid missed the truck he was aiming for. Does my insurance cover this? No, the truck's fine.

"I'm not telling them."

I wonder if that makes it worse.

Moving on, after he ditched the sad-looking vehicle at this tiny auto shop, we walked around the adjacent streets.

It felt a bit unreal, walking around after just having been so so close to my death and then all that glass and being almost _too_ close to this guy I crashed into again-

Why do miracles happen to the people who don't want them?

We were in front of a bookstore when another notable conversation came up. (Diary, I hope you like being written upon.)

"Mikuo, have you done any research yet?"

On the art of killing yourself was implied.

"No. I didn't know it was so complicated."

It _is_, Diary. Take my word for it.

"I have, and we can take advantage of the bookstore here if you want."

The more I think of it, it was really obvious that Akaito was also on a kamikaze quest. (I actually used something from history. I feel accomplished.)

I have to go to bed because my parents are going to take me to this garden show or something tomorrow, but I promise I'll continue.

Good-bye temporarily.

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	4. Diary Decision :it knows too much:

Dear Diary:

I think I left off at the bookstore, but I should tell you about what happened this lovely Sunday.

I told my parents I had bandages all over because I was riding my bike and I didn't want to hit a cat.

THis was a very clever excuse for some reasons which I will list: (Diary, I feel very intelligent for once, so bear with me.)

1. I no longer have my bike, and this covers that well.

2. My parents are very fond of animals. Not to mention everyone loves cats, and killing one is very bad karma or something.

3. I was downtown where I could have technically taken care of my own injuries. Hooray for an overabundance of pharmacies.

The garden place was okay. The best thing that came out of it was the idea of finding some sort of poison from plants or toadstools or the like.

Which actually leads back into the bookstore thing. We didn't actually read any books, just had milk-shake coffee things with fancy names and took up the oversized armchairs.

(I paid for the drinks because I was the one who shattered his windshield that day)

People were staring at us, probably because Akaito was wearing a scarf in rather warm weather, or maybe because we were arguing the finer points of suicide.

"Mikuo, you can't expect everyone to be just peachy with your decision. Especially if your family's religious."

He's the first person I ever seriously say 'peachy'. It was great.

"My family doesn't actually practice anything, but we have Christmas and commercial holidays, I guess."

I still think they won't be exactly thrilled if kill myself, but he's right: it could be worse.

"Lucky you. Hey, were you bullied or molested or verbally abused or something as a child?"

What? Do I seem like I was I suppose I haven't showed much eloquence in speaking. (something from english! I am on a roll.)

"N-no."

I am just a normal person.

"Then no one will think you a martyr or anything. It will likely be blamed on teenage angst, or your parents. Or me."

I don't want anyone to be blamed! Doesn't anyone see that? (Diary, are you listening?)

"It's not anyone's fault... definitely not yours, least of all. Akaito-"

I really like his name. It's memorable: Ah-Kai-toe. People often slur my name so it only has two syllables: Meeee-quo. (Diary, it's Me-coo-oh. No one else can tell the difference.)

"Is this a common thing for you? I mean, were you that loner trying to sip the ink out of gel pens to poison himself in the fifth grade?"

I wonder if that actually works.

"Never. I'm a normal person."

I can't help it- whenever I look too long at his eyes, I shudder a bit. My description didn't do them justice.

He is a person once you glance at, you can't look away. He has a black coat on with his red scarf, even on this sunny day. Is he ill, or just cold?

I don't ask. I realize he had said something:

"Normal people don't consider death an option."

What makes_ me_ different is... I'm not sure.

"I'm going to guess you're not normal?"

I am not a talented linguist of even my first language.

He laughed a little- the first time I ever heard him do that. It was a nice sound, not too low but not like Neru's shrill giggles.

"No. Never. Not in any way."

It was a very nice time, even though I now have to add it was reminiscent of my first and last date with Neru Akita- we went out for drinks and talked and talked. She kissed me, then left me there. (She got an important text from her ex, Len.)

Akaito was looking fondly at me. I had a sudden urge to say something, anything- probably better that I didn't. I always say things I regret.

Then I glanced at the clock and realized I had better start walking home before my parents called the police or the morgue or something drastic.

"I have to start going home."

We threw out our plastic cups with gaudy slogans, and started towards the door.

"I can walk with you until I get to my block- I probably should try to sleep before my shift starts."

Right about then I remember my right hand brushed against his left. I don't know why I remembered this. His fingernails are painted bright red, but they aren't long like one would think of the color.

We stopped in front of the apartment building's door.

"Mine is on the fifth floor, first door on the left. In case you were wondering, or something..."

He trailed off, and left without saying good-bye.

Tomorrow is the start of my exams. I haven't been studying because I really didn't think I would still be alive now. I guess it doesn't matter if I fail.

I'll tell Luki the story about the cat, and substitute his bike for mine in the retelling. Luki's never been a very perceptive person, which is probably why all his girlfriends leave him after he acts without thinking.

I can remember a few of them- Teto after he 'accidently' flipped her skirt too many times.

Haku after she overheard him bragging to his other friends how 'easy' she was (Did he mean, like she was easy to fool, or did he sleep with her? I wouldn't be surprised, knowing Luki.)

Kaiko when he complained about her being too clingy...

Etcetera, etcetera. I don't understand the big deal with _always_ needing to be dating someone. Isn't the point of dating to get to know someone, not for status?

Diary, I'm not sure when I'm going to write again, but I will after I find another easy method to end this life.

I guess the main problem is that I don't want to fail and have people find out. I've learned that guys usually succeed more because they used quick, violent methods.

Girls try poisoning and cutting and other slow tactics- they are more likely to be stopped in time. I don't want to be stopped again.

Bicycles just aren't my thing, I guess. But then there's a problem I don't really want to admit. Diary, you already think badly of me, so:

I can't just run into traffic or over that cliff; I'm too afraid. I need to feel isolated. On a bike, you can't stop so easily.

But where am I going to get a car? I still refuse to sacrifice my parents'. The only thing that comes to mind is asking Akaito if I could really use his.

He seems to want the same end as I, but doesn't talk about it too much.

The only major problem: When people find us, what on earth will they think?!

I don't want my parents to get the wrong idea- not to mention what everyone would think of me! Maybe I shouldn't leave this diary. (No offense, Diary, but you know too much.)

Diary, I'll write you some other time.


	5. End Existence :a suicide pact it is:

Dear Diary:

So many things to say! It's been almost a week since my last entry- I'm still here.

Even though I've officially decided to abandon you before I go (please don't feel disappointed), I have an odd urge to keep you updated.

Ah, where to start?!

I took and maybe did well on my exams- school is over. I had a lucky test schedule, so I only had to come in this week. Luki's are spread out through the next week- he is not happy.

Neru asked me if I wanted to go out with her (again) over the summer sometime- this is a relatively hard thing to explain to her. If I was an honest person, I would have said **no** due to these points:

1. I will not be on Earth for most of the summer, if all goes to plan.

2. My last date with her was not fun and her lips tasted faintly of salad dressing- which was not pleasant (Diary, I'm pretty sure kissing is overrated. I don't care for it, I suppose.)

3. I am maybe possibly going to the fair with Akaito, and she asked to go there with me. I cannot go with two people, I think.

Instead, because she is not a good person to irritate, I said **maybe**, "but the doctor said I should really rest until my injuries are totally healed."

That is a lie. I haven't seen a doctor because they would know I didn't really just fall from avoiding a cat. However, everyone seems to think I was in a near-death state, rather than a few shallow cuts.

I have become rather popular since then, actually. It's a little eerie- they are just bandages, not scars or anything. (but then again, I'm not sure how they'll heal.)

(I wonder what they would say if I told them the truth?)

Oh, Diary, I should explain that fair-with-Akaito thing. Thursday after school, I rented a lowerclassman's scooter for what was likely a rip-off price, and went to ask Akaito about his car.

Since I have to burn you, (Sorry.), I can also add I wanted to see him again. Please don't press further, Diary. (Is it a sign of failing mind if you assume your diary reads itself?)

I knocked on the door of his apartment (fifth floor, remember?) , and since nobody responded, I tried to open it. It was unlocked.

I found Akaito sleepily threatening "whoever robber get the hell outta house-now-righ-" until he realized I was Mikuo.

"Um, I probably shouldn't have come-"

He had messed up hair and was in an oversize shirt and pants- I'll never tell him, but he looked slightly like a teenage girl waking up at noon.

"Nuo, no 't's fine. Not dead yet?"

Translated: Whatever loser-child, you haven't gone through with it yet? Why not?

Or maybe: I'm really really glad you came. I was just thinking about you and worrying I'd never see you again. (Diary, probably neither.)

"Uh, yeah, it's about that. Can I ask you something?"

I always had a tendency to ask if I could ask a question, but I didn't realize it until I just wrote that down.

"Sure, eh, come sit over here."

Meaning on his bed, because the apartment was both tiny and a disaster. Clothes and CDs littered the floor, discarded glasses and bottles, books and loose paper- it was nearly impossible to walk.

I stared uncomfortably at the microwave by the laptop on the mini-fridge on the sink next to his bed.

The bed had too many covers and pillows, (Maybe he does wear the scarf because he has poor circulation or something), and was warm from his interrupted-nap.

"This is actually a pretty stupid thing to ask-I shouldn't- nevermind..."

I was beginning to feel bad, waking him up just so I could permanently borrow his car. He had offered, but I'm not good at telling when people are serious...

"Go on. Please."

He seemed alert at once, and leaned closer. I think the proper thing to do was to back away, but I leaned in a little as well.

"I was going to ask if I could borrow- er, use your car to have another go at that cliff."  
He seemed very disappointed. I then knew I shouldn't have suggested it, but-

"I thought you were going to say something else."

I had never seen Akaito flustered, but then again, I had only seen him twice before. I don't even know his last name.

I'm very unsure about what he thought I was going to say, but I almost wish I _had_ said it. I don't like seeing him with a startled expression like that- I feel as if I made a mistake.

"I shouldn't have said anything."

Well, see, the above comment, Diary.

"Sorry, but if you want to really wreck that machine, I'm going to have to be there with you."

I finally got around to questioning him directly-

"You want to leave, too?"

Finally, Diary:

"I wasn't obvious enough? Yeah,- but I never get around to it. Do you have to go soon, or-"

I technically said I would return the scooter as soon as possible, but-

"No. You can keep talking."

This was beginning to make more sense.

"I was going up to the same place you drove your bike over- also with the oh-so-_noble_ intention of suicide, but you crashed into me, so I obviously had to stop the car."

I stayed silent. He continued:

"It was... sad, or maybe happy, if you see it that way- that someone as young and kind as you was trying to die."

Diary, I should note he was making me giddy-yet-a little scared with his gaze again. (Another good reason I need to get rid of you!)

"I felt like maybe we had stopped each other- I'm not going to bring up any stupid fallen angel metaphors, so relax already."

He sounded casual again, but was still giving me the classic Akaito _look_.

"But then I started working on new plans, and you appeared again- it was confusing. Is confusing."

I like Akaito's apartment, I should clarify. Even though it is a mess, it is a very cozy kind of mess. He leaned his head on my shoulder, and I wasn't sure what to do- I just sort of sat there.

(Diary, it's little frightening, how clear this still is in my mind!)

He went on:

"So, I got this notion that maybe we'll just never make it unless we do it together- er-kill ourselves, clearly."

He seemed older than when I had last seen him- was it the lack of sleep, or am I missing something? I hope I haven't done anything wrong. I gingerly brought my hand to rest in his hair- it was softer than it looked.

"Akaito, you mean you want to have a pact or something?"

I thought that was a lover's thing- a romance novel cliché? Or a religious cult's mark. (Is it bad that this didn't really bother me?!)

"Yeah. Do you want to go the fair with me, the one next weekend? I bet, if you wanted, you could find some sort of unsafe ride. An accident."

Thus, Diary- you must be eliminated. (I _really _am sorry!)

We also worked out some plans on how we were going to get there. (I returned the scooter, Diary- they could never get it back after I die [unless they were fairly inconsiderate to my parents])

Akaito is going to be introduced to my parents as a senior friend of a friend, but the first friend was sick and if we just keep talking I'm sure they'll buy it, yes he's a good driver see you later good-bye.

Two main problems:

1. Neru Akita. I don't want her to get upset because she sees me there with some strange guy and then feel guilty because I died and she wasn't there and maybe it was supposed to be fate or something. (Diary, how do girls think?)

2. You'll never know what happened, because you are being shoved under the loose floorboard under another loose floor board, which is in the guest room closet. Where no one EVER goes, much less rips up two layers of flooring.

Good-bye.

(I didn't have the heart to burn you )

(And I never even named you)

(And I meant to)

.

.

.

.

.

(If it makes you feel better, you can use the name 'Miku', (based off of mine, I'm not very creative), if you want)


	6. Fond Fair :of each other and a stranger:

Dear Diary: ('Miku') .

Um, I finally got around to digging you up from what I assumed was your final resting place under the floor.

It's been about a half week or so since I went to the fair.

...

'MIKU'- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE FIRST.

I will make a list, and then elaborate in a concise, neat order. (Or probably just ramble on and forget something!)

1. I didn't die.

2. I think I met a (possibly) famous, and certainly interesting singer.

3. I think I convinced Neru that Akaito was my older cousin.

4. I was kissed for the second, third and fourth times. (Diary/'Miku', is it odd to keep track of things like that?)

Unfortunately, I think I listed those in the incorrect order- I'll start with the very beginning.

Around one 'o clock, the doorbell rang. I answered it, and shouted good-bye to my parents, because I think they would have noticed that seniors don't usually wear open jackets with no shirt underneath. (!)

And a scarf, of course. Akaito was very cheerful, and his mood didn't even waver in the slightest when I mentioned we might have to make something up to this girl named Akita Neru.

There was a new windshield- but the dents from my first impact were still slightly visible.

"They didn't get it all on the first time, and I don't mind it. They remind me of you." Which might seem creepy here, but it was very nice at the time, 'Miku.' (OK, from now on I'll stop it with the quotes around your name.)

It was a slightly overcast and extremely windy day; this had no effect on the crowds. It seemed like_ infinite_ people were walking around being noisy and eating overpriced snacks and waiting in long lines.

All these people seemed to be looking at Akaito (despite my bandages): His hair is very bright after all, and I already mentioned his choice of outfit. I felt almost insignificant next to him- but then Akita ran up to us and I snapped back to my dilemma.

Akaito was excellent. "Mikuooo, is this girl your _friend_?" In the implying-romance-voice. (It made me more annoyed than it should have.)

Neru was curious. "Mikuo, who is this guy?" She was in a typical-Akita-outfit consisting of a short skirt and top in cute colors. I don't know why she would ever want to go out with someone as average as me.

I was OK. "This is Akaito... Hatsune. My cousin."

He remained excellent. "Yeah, and we're the best of pals. He _always _talks about you." (I was quite angry by then, but I didn't show it.)

She was friendly. "I don't know why he wouldn't talk about _you_~ I'm Neru Akita- close names, right?" Actually, she was now bordering on flirting, twirling her hair around her wrist and giggling in short bursts.

Miku, don't get me wrong, now. I like Neru. She is good at conversation and an exciting person. I think I was getting jealous of her attention- Akaito had always talked just to me. (For the three times I saw him, anyways. Sorry.)

I think he noticed my expression, and said something about us having to get tickets: I was not in the mood for Neru Akita.

"Sorry. She's a bit of a player, or whatever you call girls like her. But she's nice." I apologized as we waited in line for tickets (Four tickets a ride * two people * another chance if we didn't go through with it or something = 16)

He flicked a stray hair out of my face. "Manizer?" I'm not sure if that's an actual word, but it works. "I could tell."

I didn't say anything; I had probably ruined whatever happiness the day had. Yet Akaito was still staring at the growing clouds like they were the last clouds in the world. (Which in a way they almost were.)

He glanced over to me again and flashed a grin. "Let's hurry and survey our plan of attack." He bought 20 for some deal or whatever (as if money was a concern~!) and dragged me by my hand over to the midway.

There were the typical kiddy rides, a few scarier closed-in ones, and then some possibilities- the variety of rides that whirled in the air with minor restraints.

That is when I first saw this possible new friend-person. She was loudly arguing with one of the operators who had greasy hair and a sour face. He worked one of our possibilities.

The girl is actually a woman, but she acts with childish overtones. (Miku, why do overtones and undertones mean the same thing? I just wondered what word to use and realized that.

She had a tattoo of some spider-like creature on her right shoulder and wore much less clothing than even Neru. Her tight corset-strung...brassiere flaunted her cleavage to the ride operator, who was staring at her breasts as he argued.

Her voice was rough but had a well-controlled tone as she shouted and hissed at the bewildered man.

She said something like this as I led Akaito towards the scene: "it's just a question- I've been through more than I would like to remember, and so tell me! C'mon!"

He kept trying to shoo her away half-heartedly. Akaito launched into action. "What's the lady want?"

She whipped around and glared at Akaito with electric blue eyes. Her pink hair was choppy and short with a red streak. "I want to know how quickly I'd die if I jumped from the top!" She was several inches taller than him. (She had high heels on.)

Akaito laughed. "A great question! So, what's the answer?" He stared at the conductor, who scowled.

She waited about 2 seconds and slung her arms around my neck. "Let's get a better view!"

We accompanied her to the back of the metal contraption. It had plastic benches with a single bar across them, and a completely useless molded plastic parachute. It spun high in the air at terrifying speed.

She pointed and rocked on the tips of her dangerous-looking footwear. "I think if I just unlatched that pathetic excuse for a safety-measure, I'd get flung across the fairgrounds!"

Akaito was direct. "We're trying to fulfill our suicide pact today." He proclaimed my secret as if he was ordrering food from a drive-thru. (Miku, was it pride or indifference?)

She was not fazed. "That's romantic- and kind of disturbing. But also really hot! I'm Meiko Sakine- But I use Hagane on stage!"

I was half mortified, a quarter pleased, and... a quarter curious about her. (I will explain the pleased thing later-)

Before he could say anything for or against her- she stooped down and -crashed- her bright red lips in the general direction of my face. (My second kiss) I felt her tongue shoved into my mouth for a second before I started whimpering, muffled by her force.

It hurt, and was arguably worse than Akita's. (Miku, I'd ask if kissing was supposed to hurt, but I've figured that out. [the consensus is no])

Akaito was trying not to laugh as I tried not to faint. 'Y-y-yo've g-got lipstick all over your face- or are you blushing-ahaaa-"

She shrugged. "He's just so sweet!" That is a lie, Miku. Don't be influenced by these accounts of my life.

He stepped closer to me and lifted his unzipped jacket to wipe off the.. what **is** lipstick made of, anyhow? Wax? Plastic? He carefully peeled off some pinkish band-aids and stroked the healing cuts.

Despite the mild humiliation, I was well acknowledged. I heard Meiko say something about a 'gig she was singing with the other Haganes' later, but I didn't get the details. (We didn't make it, Miku.) I've never been to a real concert, or met anyone potentially famous-

but that could be her.

She left to harass the operator further, and so Akaito and I walked around the perimeter of the fair.

"It'll be prettier at night." He remarked, and pulled me closer. I stared at the distant crowds, and maybe I saw Meiko again. Maybe even Neru. Heck, I'm pretty sure Waldo was in there somewhere.

I'm almost positive I saw myself. A part of a group, unique- just like everybody else. A nobody.

What am I doing? Not the suicide or the walking arm in arm with Akaito or half-hoping to run into Sakarune/Hagane or anything- what is the average me doing?

No, Miku, I'm not a clone or anything. I meant what I would have been doing if I was a part of the masses. I like to think I was talking to you. You are a very nice Diary. Good at listening.

Then again, you don't have much choice.

I'd better hurry up and write this before I fall asleep- I'm at home in my bed. I'm almost healed from my second accident- and I almost wish I wasn't.

I digress, I digress- Neru ran into us a second time, and -I'm not sure of the motive, to make Akaito jealous or what- kissed me again. It was better than her first, but not something I would want to repeat. Her lipgloss tasted like strawberries.

Akaito was not impressed. We wandered off, took a Hagane business card from a stage covered in wires (it had a website and a phone number, so I think that's what you'd call it) and talked about Meiko a little.

He thought she was familiar, like maybe they went to high school together or something. I was a little worried that she would actually get on one of the death-traps for two reasons:

1. I guess I'm a hypocrite and would feel very bad if someone as (bright? insane? happy?) as her died.

2. They would probably increase safety.

It got dark and we still had all our tickets. Neither of us had brought up anything abut our pact since Meiko ran off. The crowds had thinned; the air was cold for June.

"Akaito, can we go on the Ferris Wheel?" I didn't have any intentions to jump or anything, the sad truth is that I wanted to see the lights and people from higher up. He nodded in slight daze. He had been silent for a while, lost in thought.

I wish I could have read his thoughts, or could tell them from here, not too far from his apartment, but a distance that could be between this world and the next.

Many people were there, and it was the kind with the caged-in booths. It seemed much taller close up, but I haven't been afraid of heights since I first thought about killing myself.

I didn't know what to say, and neither did he. We had apparently run out of words. It was a nice sight, but not what I expected. The glow blended together, so I saw a field of incandescent light that made me squint.

The aura hid the stars- too much 'light pollution.' I looked at Akaito. He stared back. I clutched at his scarf and maybe tried to say something, but he softly brought his lips to my cheek and I forgot everything.

I turned so I could have my fourth- and maybe first _proper_ kiss as the booth twirled around so the machinery blocked the light.

It was very, very nice. I noticed the faint scent of his apartment, a kind of dusty, slightly sweet aroma (and taste). I tried to pull him closer but the booth was cramped and swaying slightly as we began to ascend another time.

I broke the kiss and smiled at Akaito, who was (nervously?) biting his lip. He reached up to hold my chin in his hand-

Then I saw a girl staring from the booth next to ours. I recognized her as Luka Megurine, Luki's older sister. I don't know much about her other than she's very withdrawn and fairly morbid, according to Luki. (Not the most reliable source, Miku.)

She waved weakly with a dismal expression on her face. Her pale pink hair was in disarray and it shone from the lights below us.

Then we went down again, so her booth was hidden above us.

"What's wrong?" Akaito asked quietly, with a clear tone of worry.

"Nothing." I said quickly, and leant against his chest. He had closed his jacket earlier from the cold, but I could feel his warmth through the thin material. He put his arms around me.

When the ride was over, I made Akaito follow after me quickly, trying to avoid Luka, hoping desperately she wouldn't do anything like tell Luki or Neru or blackmail me or whatever she might do- I don't really know her.

"Akaito, can you take me home? We've probably missed Meiko's show and..." I didn't want to die here, after what Luka saw and would say. Not to mention I would probably ruin some people's nights by having the police come and all that.

He said something like "Of course." and we walked to his car. You couldn't see the dents in the dark, but I knew they were there. He held my hand on the way home, and I didn't say goodbye. I don't want to until it's for the last time.

Miku, I'm sleepily reading over this and it probably turned out terribly embarrassing, right? I'll just keep you under my pillow and I promise I'll write you at least once more, so

Good-bye (for now)


	7. Going, Gone :soon enough:

Dear Miku:

For once, I'll get straight to the point(s):

1. I _really_ like Akaito Shion. (Yes, that is his last name. I remembered to ask him, finally)

2. I am telling my parents that Luki and his family invited me to spend a week camping with them.

3. I am actually going with Akaito to see The Haganes a few towns over, and then do whatever for the rest of the time.

Don't worry Miku, you're coming with us.

How did this come about? Well, I did some research on The Haganes, from the card I picked up at the fair.

Um, well, here's a link to the host of their only photograph on their site (I wish you could see, Miku.): www . hongfire . com / cg / data / 3 / medium / 1749779 . jpg

Maybe the place where, I don't know, journal spirits reside, -has internet connection?

Here, I'll list some of what I discovered for you, by name.

Meiko Sakine- main vocals. She apparently wanted the band to be called Sakarune/The Sake Ruins. (which could be interpreted as the remnants of sake bottles, or a claim that sake is bad for you [I think sake's a wine or something, but I'm not sure])

Len Magane- guitar, some vocals. Says he _is not_ related to Rin. (They look sort of similar.)

Rin Magane- keyboard, some vocals. Says she _is_ related to Len. (Wait, what?)

Miku Hagane- guitar, some vocals. Claims the band was her idea. (Her name is the same as yours, odd!)

Kaito Isamine- main vocals. Says he deals with the 'technical' side of the band. (They all look really intimidating- and very tall.)

Gakupo Kagura- drums. Says he provides funding for everything because they don't actually make any money, so _you_ should give them some. (Not you, Miku.)

In that picture, Meiko is wearing the same outfit I saw her in. Are their costumes like uniforms?... or are they really so unknown they only own one outfit?! (Also, aren't they _cold_?)

They had some of their music available for download, which I did. It is... different. The lyrics don't seem to match up with the sound, and there certainly are many guitars. I kind of like it, but it's going to take getting used to.

I called the number, not really expecting any answer, but there was an answering message of an unfamiliar male voice listing the band's name and appearance fees with lots of chatter in the background.

Oh- I forgot to mention this last entry, but I gave Akaito my cellphone number. (Yes, I have a cellphone- which I rarely use. Neru thinks that's a crime against humanity, but I didn't really have too many people to call.)

We've been talking a lot since the fair- about our plan to go see The Haganes. Why? Because I've never been to a concert, and he found some pictures of Meiko from high school to taunt her with.

But honestly, Miku, I'm just a little concerned because Akaito hasn't mentioned what happened at the fair yet. Which was us not dying like we planned, and kissing instead. (I will again state it was incredible, although cut off by Luka.)

I asked him if the suicide-pact-thing was still on, and he said he thought so. That's what I thought too.

That's not worrying me too much; we'll probably get around to it. I think I'm almost happy about it (To see him again, and to finally stop worrying about everyone else), which leads us into the next point.

I am worrying about Luka. Even if we do frame our deaths as an accident, she could still say she saw us that night at the fair. Which might give people the _right_ impression.

Listen up, Miku, because I'm no good at writing what I mean: I guess I'm attracted to Akaito. That's not very normal, but thinking about suicide and running away to see an obscure metal band you met the singer of aren't exactly normal either.

The problem is that Akaito doesn't talk about this, so I have no idea what he thinks of me. (Is this what people usually write in diaries, Miku? I'm a little embarassed. Well, very.)

I mean, he's affectionate, but doesn't tell me why. I don't say anything either, so it evens out.

Maybe on the trip to see Meiko again, I'll try to bring this up. Ah, but I'm no good at conversation! I wish you could give me advice, Miku.

I mean as a person, not a talking book! That'd be really creepy. I wonder what you'd look like? Me as a girl? I can't imagine it at all...

Well, I can't wait to see him again. I like his voice on the phone, but it's not the same. Akaito is hard to explain on paper.

Do you want to hear my ideal future? (a _realistic_ ideal future, that is.)

Akaito and I would finish ourselves off,- (maybe in a romantic kind of way? I can't believe I'm writing stuff like that.)

and Luka would not say anything, and everyone would just sort of forget I ever existed.

There, that's it. I mean, if I could be unrealistic, it might be a little different.

The world would just sort of freeze in time, and everyone would be nice to each other,

and Akaito and I might stay for a while longer, and there would be many more nights like the fair.

Oh, yeah, I tried to ask Luki to help with the camping excuse (without telling him my real intentions), but the conversation went like this instead:

"Luki, uh, could I ask your advice, or help on something?" I was hanging around his house.

"I don't think I could help- wait, is it a girl?" That_ is_ his area of expertise.

"N-no!" Well, not exactly. He then laughed.

"I should have known~ Well, are you going out?" I don't think so!

"I don't think so." How do you know something like this?

"Good, that's too expensive if you just met her. How far did you get?" Another reason Luki has trouble keeping his numerous dates is because he's very cheap.

"What do you mean? We went to the fair, and um, I've been over where she lives-" He then cut me off.

"Did you already get in her pants?" WHY DOES HE ASK THESE THINGS?!

"NO!" I shouldn't have expected anything else from Luki Megurine.

"Does she want you to?" I then made up some obviously fake excuse about relatives or something, and walked away to hear his laughter. Sometimes, I find it hard to stand him.

I don't think things like that about anyone I just met! (And I don't think Luki should be doing things like that, especially when he hardly knows the girls.)

We're still in **high school**, for goodness sakes. Which brings me to another topic.

FUN FACT: (well, not really) My and Akaito's... relationship?- is NOT considered pedophillia, as I was very afraid of for awhile.

It actually falls under pederasty. (which is still not too well regarded, though...) And possibly some longer word that starts with the letter E. (Neither term sounds very pleasant.)

Er, and in a year or so (I don't feel like doing the math) I'm pretty sure we'll pass the creepy-factor formula. (Yay!)

However, it's improbable I'll be alive then.

Miku, why is nothing as easy as it seems?

Neru and I walked around the park a few days ago, but she seemed far more interested in Akaito than me. She had her hair in a braid- which she rarely does, but I don't know why. I think it looks nice.

When I told her this, she just brushed it off and said some ordinary Neru thing about being not very pretty. Agh, but I told her it looked nice! I don't know why she doesn't believe me.

I guess maybe I'm just too honest. She could have been fishing for compliments, or just insecure. Maybe I should have just not have said anything.

Well, no matter what, I can't say the wrong thing to you. I promise I'll write you at least once more- we still have to see the Haganes.

Or, if we're lucky, there could be a terrible car accident-

which my parents will never know about because they thought I was with Luki-

whose sister will tell them about Akaito-

and then they'll feel terrible.  
AGH.

Um, Good-bye. (maybe.)

[I'm leaving tomorrow~! I get to see Akaito~!}

'Bye.

(If **anyone** ever **reads** **this**, like, if I die and this is somehow saved or whatever, **thank you so much**, and DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT MY FAMILY. **Your time** spent** reviewing** my messy handwriting **i****s wonderful.**)


	8. Hagane Heaven :well, close enough:

Dear Miku:

You probably won't believe a word of this (I'm amazed, too!), but:

1. I'm not dead (yet), but I can only hope the afterlife is _half _as _FANTASTICALLY WONDERFULLY FREAKING GLORIOUSLY AMAZING_ as my life is now.

2. I'M TOURING WITH **THE HAGANES** (although no one seems to know about them , and only goes to their- **our!** shows to get drunk and brag about knowing obscure bands, but** STILL!**

3. Akaitoakaitoakaito! (He's with me, obviously.)

I'll start from somewhere in the beginning- I pack my bags with the stuff I would take to Luki's camping trip, it applies to road trips too, I guess. And you.

I leave my parents with a fond farewell (The chances I won't be back are pretty high, Miku.) and finally finally see Akaito again.

All the way to North Yune, we talked and laughed and really lived and pretty much avoided the subject of death, which was pretty unusual for us.

It was a long drive, but it really seemed too short; I would love to re-live it, especially the headlights on the highway shining into the lovely perfect car over his shadowed profile as we physically got away from our town.

Not that I'm glad to leave Luki or Neru or my nice memories I've had- but I keep in mind nearly all of them had to do with _Akaito_, who's in The Haganemobile as I write this from it's roof. (Well, the top. It's considered a house by the group.)

There was no accident.

No crashes or near-crashes or 'accidental' touches- it was all completely purposeful when he traced the outline of my face, with his free hand, while driving down some nameless road. (I can't describe my happiness!)

We were pretty well timed for the show, we waited in the park (The Haganes need lots of tips, I've learned). for them to finish setting up. But then Meiko noticed us:

"I KNOW YOU GUYS!" she shouted and abandoned the figures lurking around the truck behind the stage. (AKA The Haganemobile.)

In the same outfit from the fair, she was dressed for perfomance, a microphone dragging wires along the ground behind her.

Akaito knocked into her clumsily as she skipped around debris, tripping into him. He grinned and she burst into laughter, full of excitement. (It's a very exciting life, I will tell you further on, Miku.)

"Meiko, I remembered where I remember you from- Straight-A Sakine?" he playfully shoved her away as she tried to cover his mouth. Her slim fingers were laded with rings, and the jagged nails were painted black.

"Shut up~! You have to meet everyone, now! Follow me, you too, blue-hair." I think she forgot my name- a habit of hers, I learned.

We met everyone before the show- well, meeting as in quickly introducing. I will list my impressions.

Kaito- also in a costume-like outfit (very intimidating, I must admit) Looked tired, and ruffled my hair. (Also intimidating, so tall!)

Rin- must be -really- cold in that... swimsuit? Seemed... _wild_. Always laughing and chattering. Clung to Akaito's ankles.

Len- tougher than I thought, despite the pigtails. (I know better to call them that to his face, though) Playful, I guess, like Rin. (He kept swinging her around- looked really fun)

Miku- Was busy tuning a guitar, so I wasn't really introduced. Was humming a surprisingly ...cute sounding tune. Looked very docile. (She isn't, I learned)

Gakupo- shook my hand solemnly. Was smoking. (Isn't that _expensive_? He keeps talking about how hard it is to keep them moving...)

We were than shooed away to wait with the rest of the crowd- mostly grubby looking older guys and edgily dressed younger fans. They were talking very loudly- I soon learned why:

I think I almost went deaf when they started testing the speakers (I didn't even KNOW sounds could get THAT LOUD.) There was some scattered cheering (I guess you don't clap for bands like them.)

Then Miku skipped up with her guitar and Rin and Len and I don't even know what to call their music- each song blended into the next- changing vocals and beats, but kept the same feel. (or punch.)

A genre... I don't know much, but I'd say something like metal or punk rock or (Alternative? Indie? I don't really know what that means, though. It was really fast and had lots of guitars.)

Despite the ear-killing part, I have to admit their vocals are _really_ amazing. Miku is (squeaky, but never tell her so) piercing and (cute) appealing as she swore profusely through her solo. (I believe that song was 'Miku fxxk you')

Rin and Len were... affectionate. Not in an-Akaito-way, but clawing and nipping and laughing through their (hard to understand) lyrics, her hands savagely strumming his guitar as he tried to keep a melody on her keyboard. (entwined together...)

(...I'm going to have to find out about the related-or-not-thing.)

Kaito and Meiko were the leaders of the singing, and Gakupo barely sang a line- the drums looked impossible to play. (Music class with those little ones you were forced to use was a lie.)

It was thrilling, exhillarating- really loud- and _perfect_. I clung to Akaito, partly because the crowd was rambunctious, partly because I wanted to. The scattered spotlights cast a sheen over the musicians' hair and metallic costumes, near blinding me.

It was over just as I thought I had lost my hearing. Meiko shouted some words of thanks, or something like that (not sure) and kicked her left heel into the audience. I hope it didn't hit anyone.

So after everyone wandered away, Meiko dragged Miku over by a pigtail- which led to the taller woman being elbowed sharply- and the elusive Miku Hagane was standing before us.

I was wary at first, and Akaito even more so, but she grinned and nodded at us. "Hey, Meiko told me about you. Do you want to travel with us for a bit?"

Her polite tone was more shocking than her shrill singing- such a_wonderfu__l_ invitation coming from the girl with the tattoo on her cleavage and chains around her neck...!

"YES." Akaito answered, looking around to see if the other band members knew about this yet. Gakupo was hauling tangles of wire and speakers into the truck, and Rin was apparently tickling a loudly complaining Len.

Miku offered a pale, ring-adorned hand to me, which I tried to shake. She slapped my hand away with a force many times her age. (Which I learned to be only 19! What do her parents think?)

"Stupid kid, don't you know _ANYTHING_? You are making a **pinky promise**. To _commit_ to The Haganes until I am sick of you." she growled with a harsh glare. I meekly locked pinky fingers with her, and she lightened slightly.

The rest was easy. The (?) twins got excited and started looking through clothes for me (!!!I was terrified!!!) and Kaito helped Akaito hook our car to the back of the Haganemobile.

It's very late, or rather early, so I should go try to sleep, despite all the excitement. Miku, I'll tell you about my costume and role and the shows and future plans tomorrow.

I sleep in the car with Akaito (We should name it. The Maganes suggested The Road Roller. [because it just rolls behind the truck?])

Ah, also, I meant sleep with as in _sleeping with_, not sexual or anything like Miku keeps trying to mention! (SHE DOES IT CONSTANTLY.) (although I'd maybe possibly [really definitely] like to, but I don't know what to say- Miku, I'm an _idiot_.)

(We are 'all over each other' [as Rin puts it, but I think that better describes her and Len] and I can't help but want more because it's unbelievable, so much more than I thought.)

I can't put into words how great everything is- waking up with Akaito holding/clutching/sometimes-squashing me, being with everyone all day, and_ never ever_ having to say good-bye to anyone.

And helping out with everything and being around Akaito especially and talking and talking and kissing and waking up and it's a beautiful morning. (And I run my fingers through his hair and can't stop smiling and he nibbles at my neck-)

How much longer can I like The Haganes more every morning (or afternoon, usually) and maybe actually perhaps _love_ Akaito more? I'm afraid it has to end, but please please don't, please. (I will explain more tomorrow, Miku !)

I forgot about all of what came before this, until I picked you up again, and realized it will all be over, so so soon.

-But I won't let it ruin this! I'm going to smile to the end, and it will be perfect too! Do you believe me, Miku! I'm trying to convince myself and you! I will never be alone again!

Because I'm dying with someone amazing by my side, and I hope you haven't forgotten! Exclamation mark!

Akaito is calling for me, asking where I am. I think I'm at that elusive point in life where I am more than perfectly happy, I'm at the absolute_ peak,_ top, zenith of ecstasy.

I can't live without him.

Miku, Miku, I have to go~

-I swear I'll write you before I have to leave this world (I wish I could take you with me.)

!~!~!~!~!!~!~!~GOOD-BYE~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

(I PLAY THE COWBELL AND IT'S **A_M_A_Z_I_N_****G**, _T__HANK YOU VERY MUCH_.)


	9. I Insist :once and for all:

Dear Miku:

Ah, I think this is the last time you'll get to hear from me- I'll explain in a while, after I catch you up on what happened before I put pen to paper:

1. I was given a not-too-bad costume, and played the cowbell for a few shows.

2. I always said 'good-night' instead of 'good-bye'.

3. I learned a lot about everyone.

4. I almost went (in Luki's usual words) 'all the way'. (!!!ah, and this leads into!!!)

5. Luka called me on behalf of my parents, who are apparently hysterical with worry.

6. I stole Gakupo's mouthwash and am hoping if I drink it all I'll die quickly.

Yeah, I'll start at the first: My official stage outfit is actually very nice.

I have these mock-headphones that help prevent me from going deaf (actually earmuffs, of course)

I wear a shiny shirt and a pretty blue tie with clips on it for some reason. With bulky boots and rather tight black pants.

Every day, Rin (resident boss of appearance) stencils a number on my left arm with a red Sharpie- Miku's is fake as well, funnily enough.

Akaito wears a similar set of headphones, his usual red scarf and black pants, and an open shirt- everyone in the Hagane's seems to love exposing their midriffs. ( I refuse, Miku!)

We are energetic and not too serious- We usually just make up half the lyrics as we go, and no one cares because no one knows who we are.

But really, I'm enjoying the traveling more than the shows. Even though we have to bathe in public restrooms (!!!terrible!!!) and never actually eat much and all that other practical stuff.

But it's so- exciting! The Haganemobile is divided into small spaces for equipment, and makeshift rooms of a house with duct tape on the floor.

Miku has a corner, with a mattress and her box of things we should never touch/find out about. (I'm so very curious...)

Gakupo has a too-small bed (looks like a kid's) and they keep most instruments around his section.

Rin and Len don't have an actual bed, just a bunch of pillows they keep in a heap and usually smack people around with. (usually me, of course.) Also, lots of stuffed animals which hurt if they have glass eyes. (from experience!)

Meiko doesn't have a section, they keep the microwave, laptop and mini-fridge where hers would be.

Instead, she shares Kaito's sleeping-bag-blanket-thing. (She claims their relationship is platonic-romantic-friendship-with-benefits, which doesn't make much sense to me, but nothing really does.)

This might sound like a boring life, so far: you are wrong. It's not like my old life, where I was bored talking to people because they had nothing to say.

Meiko has a thousand stories about her adventures, usually involving alcohol. My favorite one goes like this: (Meiko's first person used)

"I was hanging around after we were you know hanging around an office supply store, when I saw this guy. He was tallish and recognized me from The Haganes so I left with him and forgot to tell the others.

"He took me behind this building thing a while away and lock-picked the back door and took my picture with his cellphone and asked for my number but I we only have one phone and I didn't want to waste minutes,

but then he took me to his room in this abandoned place with a bunch of useless junk and we were drinking because I don't know, we could even though I probably shouldn't have, so I think I passed out.

I woke up in this old couple's little house and they wouldn't tell me how I got there but I was missing my shirt and had new shoes which are the ones I have on now- Mikuo, look, aren't they nice?

Yeah, it's OK, I don't think I was molested or anything, but I still wonder why it turned out like that, and the old coulple gave me some cash and I got my hair dyed- Mhm, this was recent, but now my roots are showing-"

Then she changed the subject. Come to think of it, I probably have heard better stories from her, but I remembered this one because it was so confusing.

Rin and Len are always fun to be around, once you get used to their... closeness. (Mystery of relationship- still unsolved) They like to talk to strangers, and I guess I was a stranger at first, because here is the list of the questions they asked:

1. Are you a boy? (Yes, and I think it's pretty obvious, but I was wearing a sweater- still! It's obvious!)

2. What's your favorite food? (I like onions, but not on their own...)

3. Is that red-haired guy your boyfriend? (I don't know! Sort of!)

4. Do you think Rin's cute? (I said yes, because what else do you say? She's cute, but scary.)

5. Are you playing with us (in The Haganes)? (Gakupo gave me a cowbell, so yes.)

6. Are your parents mean? (No, they're really nice! I like them, I guess.)

7. Then why are you here? (Because... I wanted to. And I like Akaito, a-and everyone here.)

8. Are you gay? (I guess... I never actually thought about that, but I like Akaito, and he's a guy... I still like you, too, Rin! And Miku and Meiko, just differently!)

9. Are you good at singing? (I hadn't really tried- so they made me sing a little of their songs- they said I was OK. That's nice to hear, because they're _really_ good.)

As well as a bunch of things I can't remember- they talk quickly, but finish each other's sentences often. Another note- if you don't smile, they will poke you in the stomach, really, really hard.

Gakupo doesn't talk much. He's barely acknowledged by anyone but Akaito and me- they say he prefers to be left alone. A very serious individual, and the only one I haven't yet seen come onto some fan/show-goer. (Meiko is most guilty of this.)

Miku talks a bit, but would rather watch us. She looks sad, and won't tell us why. She hums often, and can play every instrument in the Haganemobile very well. (But she says her first was a violin.)

Kaito is loud (not as loud as the twins, though) and the most responsible, strangely. He drives the most, as well, and makes sure we don't die of malnutrition or get hit by a car or anything.

Oh, yes: driving. Kaito, Miku, and Gakupo take turns driving, and someone always is. (Never Meiko, because apparently she has the common automotive sense of a wild boar) Sleep cycles are bizarre, so sometimes one of them will be passed out in the Haganemobile while we're elsewhere.

Akaito's car is hooked up the the back of the truck, and rolls along. We keep our few belongings in the trunk or front seats, and sleep (crowdedly) in the back.

Which brings up the almost-losing-virginity thing. (!!! I KNOW !!!)

So, it was nighttime, and Akaito and I were talking, as usual, in the back of his car. I think Kaito was driving because we weren't swerving or anything, and were going a sane speed. The orange lights of the highway flashed over us.

It was really pretty, the flickering effect it lent to Akaito, who's already nice-looking. I had my arms around him under the blankets we borrowed from The Haganes, and it was quiet and peaceful. It was surreal.

And then kissed him as hard as I dared and unwound his scarf, deciding that I might as well see what all this hype about sex was before we killed ourselves. What I said, though, was something eloquent like:

"Um, please, Akaito, I want- um, I'm trying to take your scarf off. Um, yeah."- while using my other hand to unbutton his shirt with desperate fingers, suddenly wide awake..

But he understand what I meant, so my shortcoming in communication didn't matter in the long run. (Which is pretty long- I've survived seventeen years! In a row!)

He kissed back, warily as if he was the one who had no idea what he was doing, instead of I. I felt him awkwardly loosen my tie, and ask some questions I didn't bother answering, about if I was sure or something. (I was more than sure.)

It was probably about when he was running his hands along my shirtless back when I realized the extent of this, how I was supposed to wait until I got married and definitely not do this with a guy, but I was beyond caring- unfamiliar desire blocking out reason.

His hands on my hips, my arms around his neck, legs entwined and feeling too hot in the pants we were still wearing from the show, must remedy this...

His hands were clumsy and his fingertips were rough, but I didn't care. I was tossing my socks into the driver's seat, rushing to make contact with Akaito, who was gently teasing my ribs with his lips- when my phone went off from the glove compartment.

My ringtone is a tuneless song of shrill beeps, and I was snapped back to what my life was: a false reality where I ignored the fact that my parents would realize I **wasn't** camping with Luki after all.

Instead I was almost-completely free of my costume borrowed from a wonderful irresponsible band, wanting nothing more than to rewind time to a few minutes ago, silence my phone, then jump Akaito all over again. (I wish I had done that so badly, Miku! WHY?)

Akaito sat up, looked at me with a mixture of shame and anger in his (ever so gorgeous) eyes, and stared. I numbly heard it ring over and over, finally buzzing to silence. I waited a painful, endless moment, then crawled over to hear the message.

It was from Luka Megurine, and went as follows: (forever burned into my mind, I fear.)

"Er, Mikuo? (her voice sounded weak, but I don't think it was just the connection.) We're back from a trip and your parents are frantic- where have you **been**? I didn't say anything about that red-head, but what's going on? Call me back, right away. Or call your parents, they gave me your number. We're going to call you in missing tomorrow, since it will be officially a day or however long they want you to wait... good-bye."

Good-bye. What a coincidence. I think I might have said something, or cried or swore or _something_, but all I remember is Akaito embracing me and talking about nothing until we fell asleep.

In the morning (this morning, actually), I dressed with a burning face, not mentioning last night's events. I pretended nothing was wrong, smile smile smiling to The Haganes, and avoidin Akaito's pleading, pitying looks.

It's another clear day- never a cloud, it seems, not in recent memory. I took Gakupo's mouthwash. (I'll copy bits of the label- ANTISEPTIC, PREVENT PLAQUE, GINGIVITIS, EXTRA-STRENGTH...)

So now, I'm being a shy awkward angsty teenager, on my back under the Haganemobile clutching my modern poison. God, all I can think of is Romeo and Juliet. God, are you actually real? Please don't be too mad at me, for everything...

The grass is wet, and cold. Everything's been cold since I stumbled from the back seat this morning- despite the sun. I'm fairly sure it will do the job, this chemical-mixture colored bright green. I hope it won't hurt, and I hope Akaito won't think too bad of me-

I was supposed to this with him, but I can't stand it, knowing about Luka and my parents- time to say good-bye. This time, it's farewell.

But, really, Akaito, I'm sorry. I love you, and I never said it. Why? Was I afraid? I wanted to make love with you, be taken- but I never even said why. It's more than those three words, for certain, but I don't know the right words to say...

I hope you read this and know what I mean- I've never been so happy. That's all there really is to it. I don't know what will happen, if Luka will help track you down, or if you'll follow me to wherever I'm going.

(but I know the other world cannot be as wonderful as mine was with you)

And Miku, thanks for listening or putting up with these thoughts. I love you too, in a platonic, diary-like way.

Good-bye, farewell, good-night,...

(I just tasted some of this Listerine-stuff, and I NEVER KNEW HOW BAD IT TASTESSSSS)

Good-bye.


	10. Just Joking: please please: AKAITO POV

Dear Mikuo, and 'Miku' as well even though I'm skeptical you exist. (Seriously, I'm writing to the person Mikuo, not the female-diary-entity-thing.)

This is Akaito, obviously. You can't be writing this because you're lying around half-dead in the Haganemobile where the twins carried you after they discovered you passed out under the trucki.

I would have been extremely confused, considering you were next to an almost-empty bottle to mouthwash, but then I read this diary, so now I'm only mildly confused.

I hate to say (write?) it, but I'm really worried. (It's only been half a day, but still!)

You are such a wreck right now, if you're wondering. You're basically a corpse who throws up a lot, and are worrying the _fuck_ out of me and The Haganes. Pardon my French.

Not that I can blame you very much (Yes, I'm furious, but mostly at myself)- I mean, with that phone call and everything, and I know this is what we were planning- but I still feel terrible, almost responsible.

I guess it would have ended up like this anyways. If I wasn't there that first day on the cliff, you would have just died then. **NOT** THAT YOU'RE DYING NOW. (you'd better not!)

I've never seen you look so drained- it's creepy how different you seem. I can't imagine how anybody, even a little kid, could think somebody dead was sleeping. (however, you are certainly alive, yes.)

Usually you're all warm, and soft and whatever. Not this kind of cold and pale. I'm writing this next to you, actually. You seem lighter now, like you're a bird- with hollow bones, and that seriously is freaking me out.

Also, about your diary: it's really interesting, especially since I'm a major character. And you write things I never thought you felt. I'm still caught on that last entry; no one has ever said anything so nice to me.

Correction: Lots of people have said nice things to me, but I like (no, love _love **love love**_, because I never told you, because I'm a moron who can't express his feelings) you endlessly more and I know you mean it. I don't think you could lie if you tried.

Another correction: You apparently led your parents on pretty well, up to last night. Now I really feel like a kidnapper/child molester. (But you seem less worried about it than I do... )

I'm sorry, sorry sorry for everything. I suck at talking about important things, and so do you, and now I feel like it's too late. (WHICH IT ISN'T.)

I don't know what to write!!! I still don't understand you- how can anybody be so...like you! You are definetly too nice for your own good. And even more for mine.

That accident when we met- I was attracted to you instantly, and I'm not just talking about how frickin' cute you are. You seem like you were raised in another world- where you saw the best in everything, but not yourself.

You have got to answer this when you wake up: Why do you still want to die? Also: Why on Earth and all the other planets too, for good measure- do you like me? I'm an awful person!

Not to you, obviously, but in general. As happy as you are (were?), your parents and friends and anybody at all, really, are miserable. And why? Because I practically eloped with you! It's terrible!

And now, there's no way to fix this. Fuck, that first day I should have told your parents about your suicidal intentions and not left until I was sure you were safe. _Why_ didn't I do that?

Oh, because I was also sort of wanting to go off that ledge. Because- I don't even remember. Just general angst, most likely. I had a really boring life- never be a hotel clerk, Mikuo. Ever. And no friends.

Now, (well, up to yesterday) I had the best life ever. The Haganes are the best friends (even though they annoy the hell out of me sometimes), and you are just the best in everything.

As bad as this sounds, I really hate whoever this Luka girl is. I mean, staring is one thing, but interrupting my nearly-having-sex-with-you is ANOTHER. (I almost jumped you even after your stupid phone went off, I must say)

Maybe I should thank her. When the authorities or your mother with a weapon of her choice (I'm _worried!_) catch up with us, I think they might (probably would) kill me if they found out I took your virginity.

Screw that, I'm still going to hate her. I'm in a dead end no matter what. I'd better burn this diary before then. (but then you couldn't read this. Lose-lose situation)

Gakupo is giving me glares from across the truck, roughly translating to _YOU MURDERER, YOU_. I think. Rin and Len were in tears, when they found you.

It's a REALLY good thing they were being hormonal youth rolling about on the grass, ( I never thought I'd say that!), or we might have driven over you or something terrifyingly probable like that. Then I would have just followed you, á la Romeo and Juliet.

You mentioned that, I remember. I'd have to use a broken guitar or something to stab myself- mouthwash poison and a plastic dagger- how romantic. (NOT.)

Meiko isn't too worried, probably because she's drunk (because she's worried), and Kaito is thiiiiiis close (the space between the i and the tittle, which is what the dot on top is called.)- to bringing you to the hospital. Miku has no reaction.

I had to beg him not to, (I must have looked so pathetic), because people are looking for you now. And if that Luka girl is even a slightly decent person, she would have told them about mystery guy at the fair. We're in some situation, baby.

Please please _please_ be fine. Despite the fact we'll have plan our deaths all over again (certainly me, at least- hey there, potential police), I need to see you again. See you conscious.

Talk to you. Feel you, when you can feel my touch. Kiss you, (because I'm not a necrophiliac). Even if you woke up and just wanted me to turn myself in, I'd be ecstatic.

Wow, let's play the crime sentence game! What will I be charged with, by the misinformed? Child abuse, kidnapping, attempted (statutory, in my defense, meaning illegal age difference) rape, general sexual assault, pedophilia... and now maybe murder.

Just my luck that when I finally find the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, he's under the legal age, fails the creepy age test (nice math, Mikuo), unable to tell anyone, suicidal, and perfect despite all this!

I never should have broken up with Muri. Muri Anone, a very nice girl, a very boring girl, but very safe and predictable. Pretty cute, a great cook... I wonder where she is right now?

Where are all those other people who said they loved me? Countless girlfriends, a few guys (who I didn't actually get around to dating)- I can't remember most of these people. That sounds sickening, even to me.

Don't worry, Mikuo! Sorry. You know I'd never leave you- hey, I'm waiting for the world to crash down on me here! I could just drive away, technically.

Yet I'd **never**. I'll say (write?) it again- I love you. Overused words, but I know you want to hear, or in this case read them. No, I swear- I'll shout it to you when you wake up. I could never forget you.

You have soft hair that always seems to stick up a bit on your bangs, a sweet voice, trusting eyes- too trusting? I wish you could be happy all the time, even at home- you had a great life there.

Last night, hey, even before you seduced me or whatever (that sounds hilarious in retrospect), it was the best night of my life. Just being with you.

You're so affectionate- but I hope we haven't reached the dreaded RinLen level. (Seriously- even when they're asleep they're feeling each other up.)

Please return soon. I don't know what we're gonna do, but anything is better than me sitting here writing. I mean, only Gakupo dares to sit in here- Kaito's driving, with Miku in the passenger sear.

Meiko and the twins (still unconfirmed genetically) are in my car, probably trying on your clothes or something. Or talking about how I'm scum of the earth.

Actually, they're likely just worrying. _They don't hate me_, I know I know, but I have to be blamed somehow. Ugh, I'm sick of this self-pity- I sound like a pseudo-depressed preteen. (worse than the typical angsty teenager!)

I'm twenty-six, and I should act like it. But what _is_ that? Meiko's my age and acts like a toddler sometimes. She's wonderful, regardless.

I'd better stop wasting what's left of the blank space in your diary- a _summary_ is needed:

I love you, don't die, even though we're going to die soon anyways, because I'm selfish and maybe we can have a happy ending. Or at least continue what ended last night. Or please, even if you threw me off the truck, stop scaring us.

Akaito Shion.


	11. Something Wrong :the alphabet is only 1:

Dear Miku:

WOW A LOT HAPPENED AS ALWAYS BUT I FIRST HAVE SOMETHING THAT CONCERNS YOU-

I saw you. While I was... not present. I think I was dreaming, well, obviously I was dreaming, but still. I knew it was you. The way you looked at me, it was like you knew who I was.

You were kind of me but not actually like me. Hair to your feet, in twintails and a weird outfit like my costume. I wish I could have talked to you, since you already know so much about me.

You just smiled, and circled me with skipping-kind of steps. We were someplace far away, with bright grass and a endless sky. I tried to talk to you, but I didn't have a voice.

Well, I guess it didn't matter because everything else happened after I woke up. I was dizzy and Meiko was pulling my hair. Suddenly, the truck jolted to a stop and everyone else came running- I didn't know they'd be so worried!

I messed up again, apparently. I can't be too upset, because Akaito starting blabbering on about all these really really nice things- which confused me, until I read that last entry, Miku. ( )

I don't know what to say- it was - well, you were there, Miku. I'm no good at explaining things. We've gone too far, and now I'm even more sure I'll never get to see Luki or Neru or my parents or Luka or anyone again.

What could I say? They'd never see Akaito as he really is- all they'd see is the age difference and the running away to join a traveling-yet-going-nowhere makeshift band. I couldn't even look them in the eyes, could I?

I never thought this through... I _love_ Akaito, but now I've _wrecked_ everything for him. I'm almost too nervous to be near him, thinking about how worried everyone must be back home-

But why? I wasn't interesting in the slightest; I never gave any advice, contributed to society or whatever good people are supposed to do. I didn't get the highest grades or do sports or write or draw or play an instrument.

I was nobody. That's probably why no one noticed when I first left- did they even register the fact that I was gone? Now that they have- ahhhh, I'm so lost in all of this. I'm still a little sick from before, too.

I'm phsyically unwell, I mean, but no just that. I'm constantly dizzy, in the worst way. Not to mention I feel different in the way I think- ah, I can't explain. I'm afraid something's mentally wrong... but they say a crazy person doesn't know it.

Does suspecting a problem mean I'm OK. Miku, if you want to visit my dreams again I'd love to hear your opinion.

The Haganes are giving mixed signals- they keep crowding me and keeping a close eye, but keep giving their own opinions on how I should kill myself. (Apparently, they pitied me extremely when I tried to explain about Luka)

A list is needed, in my best interpretation of their words:

Meiko: "**FIRE**. When I'm dead somehow or other, it _BETTER_ involve flames and explosions. It would be the coolest if there was this amazing serial killer, preferably some ninja guy, who held me down and tied fireworks around my thoat! Lots of them!"

"Definitely, I mean you can't go home, and I don't want you to die near me because I'd be too too sad and cry forever probably, but if you have to kill yourself-use fire."

(..that sounds like it would hurt.)

Kaito: "Ugh, I can't imagine myself dying. Ever. Well, the apocalypse is probably just around the corner, so I shouldn't be waiting long. You won't have to fret about your pathetic situation; we're all screwed.

"Just stay with us and don't waste mouthwash- hey, isn't it only a few years until the Mayan prediction kills us or whatchacallit?"

(Isn't that twelve-twelve-twelve? I think they'd find me before then.)

Rin: "It was mean to do that! You're too nice to die! Len and I are different, we're going to drown when we get too old to do fun things anymore. Together, just like those classics and stuff. Hands held, in the ocean. It'll be nice, right?"

"Mikuooo~ stay with us. I never had a family, so I don't know what to do about yours, but can't you pretend we're related? I can be your daughter! Oh, I'm too old?"

(Um, I don't think I could have fathered you when I was a baby. Sorry, Rin... Hey, she doesn't have a family? Maybe Rin and Len don't even know if they're twins.)

Len: "Akaito was really messed up- if you care about someone, it's a _rule_- you can't just leave them behind. That makes you a mean-loser-bad-person so _don't_ do it again. Rin and I will **never** be apart.

"Ha, I'm not telling you what to do. Just talking about nothing. Go away. Yeah, I started talking to you, but now I'm going to play with Rin some more, so stop staring."

(I don't mean to be a bad person! I don't want to cause any trouble.)

Gakupo: "Fluoride overdose is an unpleasant and unreliable death. You ought to join the Church of Euthanasia- just dabble in cannibalism and they'll be ecstatic about your membership."

"Whenever you have the chance, look them up and they'll refer you to a suicide expert. However, I was just beginning to enjoy your company, so I'd rather you stay."

(This is the most Gakupo has ever said at once.)

Miku: "It isn't worth it unless you suffer, so ignore Gack. All of those who take their anger out on themselves- it's flattering their misery. Angst is the color of blood, kid. You don't know how bad you could- _should_ have it.

"Fxxk 'family'- I'll tell you now that mine is wasting away out there somewhere. It's a shame you have to go- your voice is too sweet to be saying these goodbyes."

(I always wondered how Miku got to be here- I wonder if her parents miss her? I'll never know, so I shouldn't bother her by asking.)

So things went on as usual, except I feel guilty- well, guiltier than usual. It seems like I don't deserve to be here, separate from the bleak world. Akaito noticed how worried I was, even when I tried to pass it off as fluoride overdose or whatever Gakupo said.

But he also seems a little shaky when I'm too close- thinking back to what he wrote, I think he doesn't want to make anything worse. That's not entirely true, though- I know about how the law is going to come crashing down, but I still want to be with him.

The road is clear, and on the horizon is the nothingness of death. OK, Miku, I know that sounds really depressing, but it's a straight road so it seems like the horizon never gets closer. Yet it's there. (Just closer for us than most people, I'm sure.)

After his rather sappy outburst when I woke up, he's been awkwardly quiet. He edges around what I say, but doesn't realize it isn't helping. I just want to know _what_ we're going to do.

I've kept my phone off, too afraid to see if Luka has left any other messages. I sleep chastely with Akaito, knowing we both are painfully keeping distant from what we want. I play my cowbell over the noise of The Haganes's songs. I worry in my mind.

It seems like THe Haganes are just a gallery of misled lives. I have so many questions that are useless to ask, about what everyone wanted in life, and where they're going- where I'm going. The sky is clear. I've been aching for rain.

A somber undertone lingers through the days, which waters down the carefree atmosphere. This escapade isn't perfect, Miku, but we try to make it as best we can.

I see Meiko shivering in the cold mornings, when her smile is hidden away and I'm afraid she's going to cry. She never does. Kaito sits near her and sends her looks of sympathy, but never offers to share his scarf.

I really like the twins, watching them dance together and swap clothes and laugh for hours- but sometimes I wish I could really have a conversation. I want to know how they really think, when they aren't ignoring their minds in each other's kiss.

And it's no secret that Gakupo and Miku aren't the happiest people in the world. I want to make it better- there's no time, Miku. I don't even think there's enough time left to tell everyone what I think, what I've told you.

Ah, I'm sorry if this was disappointing to you. I read over my last few entries, and I sound like a different person. I can't imagine it now. Please, please, all I want is to forget all of this. No, no, I don't. I change my mind every minute.

I'd leap at the chance of amnesia, except then I wouldn't remember Akaito. He's worth everything, Miku. Even when these times seem like I made a mistake, that it would have been better if we never met- I would choose him over anyone in the world.

All I know for sure- I won't leave these problems unless Akaito is with me. I wish we could ignore all the worries and be happy agian for the final- days? weeks? What's happening?

Maybe I messed up my mind when I tried to kill myself (that last time- I just can't seem to do it properly). I wasn't quite right before, I know, but at least it was a _cheerful_ kind of _wrong_.

Miku, thank you for finding me. It's more likely that you sought me out that day, because: just look at your state compared to mine.

I'm worn and shadowed beneath my eyes, they say. I've been reckless and can't see the future.

OK, Miku, you can't see the future either. But I can guess, right? You've stayed flat, crisp, and constant, always showing the same words on your pages. I know you'll end up waterlogged somewhere, maybe a public sink, maybe the bottom of the sea.

I don't know if I'll ever write you again, but right now I want to run at Akaito and tell him- read this because I still can't bear to speak, my mouth is dry from days ago- I want you to know I need you-

Instead I'll go watch Miku practice her guitar.

Good-bye.


	12. Never Never :once again:

Dear Miku:

I'm leaving, and I won't say where, because I'm leaving you with the Haganes, but this really is good-bye.

...I feel bad about it already, but you hold too much evidence, and I couldn't ruin you if I tried.

Akaito is coming with me, of course, so don't worry that I'll be lonely- I've really picked up since the last time I wrote you, a few days ago.

Well, I've been continuing to ask advice, and I guess I'll tell you everyone's answers- not that necessarily I listened to them- should I have? I don't know.

Meiko: She's been really unhappy lately, and I think she wants me to leave. I mean, the cold spell is over, and summer's halfway over, but she's still saying she's cold.

And I don't think she's just trying to get attention. She's wearing sweaters over her costume, and looks pale, even in the afternoon. I hope she's not getting sick.

When I tried to turn to her for advice, she told me I should just go home. I asked her to explain why, but apparently she had a headache and to ask her later. I did, and she wouldn't give me a straight answer.

Rin and Len: Well, I couldn't approach them separately, and they kept arguing overt the issue. The end judgement was something along the lines of:

"Mikuo, you _HAVE_ to stay, or we'd be sad. You don't want us to be sad, and it was _really_ sad when you were all dead-like from mouthwash, so let's play go fish, now! Where are the cards?"

I hope they aren't too sad... I can't make everyone happy, I guess- see, opinions are already conflicted, and I'm only halfway through the band members.

Gakupo: I asked him blatantly to just tell me what to do and not to philosophize, but he ignored that. He says I have to decide if I'd rather be at peace with Akaito or my friends and family.

I can't make a decision like that!! Again, no matter what I do someone's going to be upset! I know The Haganes don't actually need us around, but I don't want to leave them now.

Kaito: He doesn't care if I "go home, to Florida or the bottom of the sea", as long as I get away before we get involved in a world-wide child search or legal technicalities.

Miku: She say the same thing over and over, but in different words. It amounts to:

"Don't go home. Ever. They don't want you, they hate you, they never liked you even when you were just a little kid. Do whatever the fxxk you want, but don't think you can go back."

That is not very cheerful. I've established that she ran away from home, and probably has low opinion of domestic life, but that is_ really_ off setting.

So after all that soul searching, I'm less sure than ever. Thanks for putting up with me, again, Miku. ER, diary-Miku, but that applies to Miku Hagane as well.

But all in all, I think The Haganes will be better off without me slowing them down. I mean, heavy metal cowbell? Something seems wrong about that. I'm wishing them well as best I can, without letting them know I'll be gone tomorrow.

But the downside is that they'll have you to read, Miku. And technically, they could contact my parents and ruin their vision of me forever, or_ worse_, they could read it.

(Which is terribly embarrassing.)

Which is why I've been obviously avoiding the mention of Akaito this entry. Because things have happened.

These vague things include details about where I am going after I leave you, and wellyeahotherstuff.

But then again, Kaito's in charge of driving and certainly isn't going to follow us, and I can't be too ashamed if I never see The Haganes again.

And why would they ever try to contact my family?

Well, I guess I can be slightly more specific.

Akaito and I are driving in his car, to an undisclosed location. This may or may not be home, so Hagane reading this, you can feel as if your advice has been taken.

(Unless you are Rin or Len. Sorry, really! Don't be sad!)

At least at the moment, I think we're eventually going to be fulfilling that old suicide pact we made... about last month.

Wow, it seems like forever since we met. Er, crashed into each other, then traded names. I think that qualifies as meeting, right?

I was still in school, I think. Yeah, that's right. I'm still technically of school age, and if I'm still around in the fall I'll be a senior.

Aaaand I won't. Really, I'm sorry everybody. I let everyone down, right? I can't make everyone happy, and when I tried I just made it worse.

But, think about life in general. Please. Isn't the main goal to please yourself? To be the best you can or something like that? Is that fulfillment?

OK, I'll stop asking all these questions. The point is:

...

I don't know. I'm OK. You are OK, The Haganes are OK, life is OK-

what does OK stand for? Oh... Karma? Oh, Kit-kat?

Osculation Kleptomaniac? That would be someone obsessed with stealing kisses. I don't know if that is OK.

Obnoxious Kids? (wow, OK looks like a stick figure sideways..)

Oven Keys? Keys to an oven. OK then.

Open-mouth Kissing? That is more than OK. Unless it's against your will. Then it is less than OK. (Wow, that's like what happened with Meiko!)

...

Sex is better than my expectations.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with that OK speculation, not to confuse you.

Welll it is. One night I just decided laying around and feeling bad about myself and everyone and the world and all that wasn't getting me anywhere, and so I started a fairly awkward conversation. (it was totally worth it)

Akaito and I were in his car, being rolled along as usual. "Akaito?"

"Y-Yeah?" He had looked lost in thought, and looked forlornly at me.

"I'm sorry." That wasn't what I was trying to say; I was actually apologizing for disturbing him. Gosh, that doesn't make any sense.

"No, you don't do anything wrong. Like, ever. At all." He finished lamely, shyly biting his lower lip.

"Um- oh nevermind. I think we should do something." LOOK AT THAT STUNNING USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Miku, ugh.

"What?" He stared at me intently, as usual. It still unnerves me, despite the fact it's happened a thousand times. My breath hitches somewhere in my throat.

He looks worried. Does he think I'm unhapppy? I'm not. Ah, double negative. I'm fine. I'm more than fine.

Instead, I say:

"Let's have sex. Or something." I immediately realize just how dull and unappealing that sounded.

At least I got to the point.

Wait, am I actually writing this down?!

Agh, when I'm writing on you, I forget that I'm actually _writing_, and it's like I'm just thinking. With a pencil.

Now, this is uncomfortable. I mean, my writing. But the situation was also uncomfortable, because of Akaito's surprised/amused look.

And I was more determined than embarrassed, after all. I mean, I wasn't so sure what to do, but it must be worth the effort, I reasoned, because the whole world is pretty obsessed with it.

Akaito didn't react like I thought; he actually got all flustered- way more than yours truly was.

Then he started muttering things like 'are you sure?' (yes)

'positive?' (yes.)

'you don't _have_ to-' (I know, I know!)

And other sorts of things like that. I clumsily leaned forward for a kiss, the mood escalated and soon enough my suggestion was taken.

I let him take control, because honestly I had just about no idea what I was supposed to do. I mean, yeah,_ technical _ideas, but no experience.

I knew that Akaito had experience with uh, intimacy before. I think he even wrote about his past relationships in here?

I would have known anyways- he had er, supplies in his car, and (forgetting my prudence)- he was far too good.

A state of hyperawareness- the cloth of the seats, the road rushing beneath us-

It hurt, more than I would have thought, but not unbearable so. I mean, it got better.

Much better. You've heard before that I love being close to Akaito. Imagine that times ...ten million.

Something I'll never forget; locked gazes, hearing his gasps and panting. (were we so loud The Haganes noticed?!)

His hair damp with sweat. Oh god, the feeling of him thrusting above me. (!!!)

And afterwards, clutching to one another- burning hot, but the air in the car icy cold- I don't think we noticed right then.

It was hard to get dressed in the morning:

1. It was sooooo cold.

2. It was tooooo nice, snuggled up with Akaito.

3. I couldn't find assorted clothing. I guess my left sock is still under a seat or whatever.

I don't think anything's really changed between us, except we've been -pardon my french- fucking a lot.

That's a ridiculous expression, by the way. French isn't a particularly vulgar language.

But then again, anything said in a foreign language, if done angrily enough, sounds profane.

Ex: Pantoofles!!!!

(slippers)

And that's about it. I'll be slipping this into Meiko and Kaito's bed-thing.

I don't know what they'll think, about my disappearance or whatnot.

I love you, everyone~! Really.

Goodbye.


	13. Mental Break :miku?: MEIKO POV

Oh my god, what do I write?

This is MEIKO. I found this and Kaito was all like "What's that?"

So I said, "I don't know." because I didn't. But now I do.

But right after I started reading form the start, Rin bursts into the Haganemobile and starts wailing that Mikuo and Akaito were gone, and throwing a very honorable fit about it.

A fantastic tantrum, I swear, you had to have been there to understand- tears all down her face and kicking and panicking.

And that's why I'm pissed at him. Mikuo, you suck. You made Rin upset and that's awful.

Oh, I forgot, hello Miku. Noooo, not my bandmate Miku, the diary Miku.

That makes me wonder- OK, I don't want to offend you- oh fuck it

You are not real. I think Mikuo might be a little off in the head. Or a lot. I guess I can't be too mad at him.

YES I CAN. I never thought he'd _actually_ leave- just messing around.

Honestly, he leaves his friends and family and everything? Not to mention his suicidal-ness. Er, tendencies. I mentioned it.

(why even write not to mention? aaahh I hate english)

OH OH OH NOW I REMEMBER what I have to tell you.

So, I see Mikuo left his phone. This is good and bad. We can't get a hold of Mikuo, but:

Gakupo called his parents with an excellent cover story.

All I heard was this: (in his calm, sophistical voice. what a great liar)

"Mrs. Hatsune? This is Kakupo Gamui, and I understand you've been looking for your son?"

"Oh no, he's fine. He didn't tell you about the program? I had only just realized he never spoke with you-"

"He's such an excellent student, I simply wanted to inform you- Yes ma'am, student, at the Hagane Summer Course."

"In Hok-um,agane, it's only just opened. No, we mailed an invitation- his grade average was quite high-"

"Mikuo Hatsune. He's studying..." he falters a bit there " science of culinary arts and also taking a class in bicycle repair."

"I have no idea why- he's in his dorm, and I'm afraid I can't force him to speak to you. He'll be home soon, yes."

"I think he's just been questioning himself, his life- all adolescents go through a phase like this. Please dismiss all worries."

so he carried on for a while and as far I can tell, they ate it right up.

Armed with knowledge form my reading, I'll assume that Luka kept her mouth shut. Pretty name, though.

Oohh, and Neru has sent lots of texts lately- I'll transcribe a few:

--------

mikuo why don't you answer

hey you

where are you

your parents said your with luki but i know you have your phone

where the fuck have you been?

mikuooooooooooooo

:c

--------

Mikuo, she must be so worried!

It's really sad to go through them actually. Now I'm feeling guilty about everything! I didn't take you very seriously, and I really liked having you around.

Please please be okay! I'm convincing Kaito we should look for you. Now, if I was you, where would I be?

YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE. The only idea I have is to become instantly famous somehow and rename our band WHERE IS MIKUO HATSUNE PLEASE COME BACK

Note for future tell-all-success-autobiography- I made up that name. I think it's very catchy. Even better than Sakerune/ The Sake Ruins

oh speaking of alcohol, you better come back or I'll probably drink myself to death.

Oh, and I'm really sorry for mouth-raping you that time. You were asking for it, you're just too cute.

And _w_o_w_ there were some rather spicy details in your last entry. Keep practicing, and you may have a future in idealized gay romance aimed at women like me.

It's warming up again, but I'm still sick. I wish I knew what was wrong- it's like all the minor symptoms of everything ever. I'm sore and sad and hurting. Oops- Not to sound as depressing as you, though.

Summer is over half over. That's another good name- OVER HALF OVER.

I kinda hate you, because you've made me rethink my life. I have to notice that I'm not going anywhere on that business ladder or anything I should want to aspire to or anything.

I'm worrying my family too, aren't I?

What can I do? what's the name for that kind of question- rhetorical! I had to ask Len, though. I'll answer anyway.

I can't do anything. But, I'm wishing very very very hard that you'll come back or at least call so I can yell at you and tell you to come back.

Seriously, or I'll publish this and it'll be the next Diary of Anne Frank, but instead of being called that and about the Holocaust, it will be Mikuo Hatsune's and the back will read like this:

THE DIARY OF MIKUO HATSUNE- a modern classic, tons of awards, foreword by music legend Meiko Sakine. A personal journal that is the epitome of a suicidal teenager's struggle with his family, sexuality, and shyness.

And I'll get all the money and you won't because you'll be DEAD. And that's terrible!

But hey, what do I know? Maybe you'll be living happily in a little touristy seaside village, maybe a shoe mender or something. And you'll buy my book- um, your book and laugh about it.

But GOD that would suck. And your family would think you were dead and read it and sue me for not saving you or something. I'll just change the names. TDoHM- Hikuo Matsune, with foreword by Seiko Makine.

but you don't want that so COME BACK

(oh, and miku? if by some chance you have a mental diary link with him, tell him I miss him awfully)

I have to go because Rin is ripping it out of my hand~-_#_-----_____--


End file.
